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May 2012




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May. 3rd, 2012


...and then there are days when you can soar.

i've been having a hard time.  a couple up days followed by weeks of down days.  not wanting to talk to anyone or see anyone or even really move.  just existing hurts.  jason hovers because he's so goddamn worried.  i really don't care.

how awful does that sound?

but, there are moments, beautiful moments, that come out of fucking nowhere and pull me out, and i'm so grateful for them.  like when my grandpa died (and my family imploded and my friend, one of the top five people i think i'll ever know, died on the same day), and they started playing bagpipe music as people left the funeral.  he fucking hated bagpipe music.  i could play any kind of music for him, and he'd find something positive to say about it, but not bagpipe music.  even when the cancer ate up his brain so badly that he couldn't talk, if he heard bagpipes, he would frown and start throwing his arms around.  so, when they played it at his funeral, half of us laughed so hard we cried and the other half gave us disapproving glares.  it was beautiful.

today, something equally as beautiful and not nearly as tragic happened, and it pulled the weight off of my chest enough for me to breathe for a while.  i don't want to share it, really.  not just yet.  i'm going to be selfish and keep it for myself for a little while.  or maybe forever.

it seems i've picked my journal back up, huh?

Apr. 22nd, 2012


i used to write poetry before i wrote haikus about my dogs.


i make imaginary lines in your skin with my fingerprints
moans in the form of closed eyes and gasps
we dive into ritualistic love
missing the point, but oh, hitting the spot

heavier, heavier
free falling into figurative snow
cold, soft, and temporary, i ask
is this fear or regression?

i am lost
physically, i feel you, but
i'm missing you in ideals
your patterns are not cohesive or real

crumbling, crumbling
your limbs go on for miles, but comfort not
he is grease, soaking, choking
you are lye, singeing my skin

i find you in road blocks
behind cones on the way to oblivion
you make it impossible to cease
and should i thank you for that?

Mar. 21st, 2012



i've resurrected this journal for my recent fall back into fanfiction.  i fell into it with mcr, buffy, and now supernatural.

my mind dumps have been one-on-one with a few different people these days, so, as one could probably tell, this place has been abandoned for those kinds of indulgences.  maybe i'll stop in from time to time to post something.  right now i'm in love with murphy and connor macmanus.  that's something.  i'm working on my first ever fanfiction.  i always felt strange about writing them before, but this time, it's centered around an original main character, one who's very dear to my fucked-up little heart.  i love her like i love rita.  plus, i've always felt a kinship with dean, even though i'm more of a sam and cas girl.  makes it easier to write him when he's kind of like me.

And shepherds we shall be
For Thee, my Lord, for Thee
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be
In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti

Dec. 24th, 2010


So, remember when I used to post and stuff?

Yeah, I don't either.  LOL and stuff.

I just figured, I should come and post here.  This was my refuge for a few years, and it feels wrong to abandon it completely.  I started using a blogspot blog to post some stuff, but it's more family/friends/people I know on Facebook friendly, and this one is really not.  I just don't know what to say anymore.  When I used to write a lot, it helped.  My feelings weren't so bottled up as they are now.  I know it might have seemed like I was more fucked up than ever a few times (or more) in my past entries, but at least something was coming out.  I'm just so caught up in "I'm married now, and I have a real job and my mom's still fucked up, and Jason wants desperately to go somewhere else, but I'm comfortable here for a little while longer and I really can't leave when my mom's as unstable as she is and everything sucks, but I'm still semi-happy just because Jason's at home with me when I need him."

Whoa, right?  Some days when I'm off and home by myself, it's all I can do to not just curl up and ignore everything.  So, I usually just watch Criminal Minds or some other cop show and focus so intently on the screen that I completely miss what happens in the plot.  Also, I usually do this naked and have a minor heart attack if someone knocks on the door.  One day I was singing Dresden Dolls songs so loudly that our neighbor came over to make sure I was okay and not dying or being killed.

It seems just when I'm starting to feel like a human again, something sets me back, and I'm full of fear and self-loathing and nerves again.  I know this is also a broken record with me.  I'm annoying myself just typing this out.  I just don't know what else to do about it.  Therapy isn't an option right now.  Jason's fallen into his usual wintertime depression.  So, I must soldier on and be strong like an Amazon.

I am superbly enjoying books right now.  They are so distracting and utterly wonderful.  At a time when I was starting to come to grips with EVERYTHING that's happened, well, I quit.  And now things are worse.  And I wish that I could just go back to that time when I could go to church and feel like everything would be okay.  I know that's never going to happen again.  I've found God in other things, but none of them have given me peace like I used to have when I would sit in a church and just think.

I didn't even bake anything this year.  I DIDN'T EVEN BAKE.

Some moments I think Christmas this year is going to be this big clusterfuck of fighting and heartache, but other moments I think about this being Jason and I's first Christmas together as a married couple.  We have our own tree and our own gifts under it.  Our own apartment.  Our own time.  It's those times when I feel like it's okay.  It's okay to be wrong if you have things that feel right in your life.

Happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Holidays, my LJ-ers.  I sincerely hope you all have a good holiday.  Everyone deserves to be happy during this time of the year.


Aug. 6th, 2010


Writer's Block: Celebrity Overload

Which celebrity are you sick of seeing? Who would you like to see more of?

Lindsay Lohan and Amber Tamblyn, respectively.

There should always be more Amber Tamblyn.  Jus' sayin.'


Aug. 4th, 2010


Just because I can't sleep and love proper grammar



Aug. 3rd, 2010

Cabaret 2

There are just some days when...

you must spend all day in bed having orgasms.  Whether you're alone, with someone else, or more than one someone else, it's just a day for orgasms.

Also known as 'being horny.'  Wanna know where I am right now?  Work.  Alone.  With no work to do.  And I'm thinking about sex.  Gah.  And Jason's all tooth-achey.  But, he'll be at work today, so I won't be bothering him with my....stress-relieving activities.  I'm off for the next two nights, but I had to do some shift-shuffling to get Wednesday off so I could take Jason to get his tooth fixed.  Thank ye gods for that...after a bit, high Jason just grates on my nerves.  I don't remember being that irritating....maybe if you ask others, though, they'll tell you I was annoying.

I remember when I used to enjoy shark week with a whole week of high-dollar bud.  Everyone who loves shark week should try it high.

Listen to me being all pro-pothead.

I don't do that anymore, but there are some days I wish I did.  And when I get stomachaches, I always feel compelled to light it up.  Best stomach cure EVER.

I'm going to do some morning portable x-rays in the ICU.  As soon as I can make myself unwrap this warm blanket from my shoulders and get up off the CT table with my laptop.  I am the epitome of a slacker.  A pretty well-paid slacker.

I was feeling pretty low at the beginning of this shift, but now I'm feeling better.  It could be the fact that I have such freedom here on night shift.  Or the prospect of a whole day for masturbation.

Little things, kids.  It's always the little things smooshed together that make for a happy life.  That's what I've found.

I managed to turn masturbation into a life lesson.


P.S. Listen to Adam and the Ants.  Listen to Adam and the Ants.  Listen to Adam and the Ants.  Listen to Adam and the Ants.  Listen to Adam and the Ants.  Listen to Adam and the Ants.

Jul. 28th, 2010


I am a "hip" kid's mouth spouting "trendy" altered cinematic referential movie lines.

that was probably too vague or used bad grammar or whatever.  who cares.  i've done it, you've probably done it.  it's a good fucking movie; but after awhile, reading, "I am Jack's/insertnamehere insertbodypart here" gets a little old.  sorry, off-topic tangent.  really, though, it's my blog, so it's actually right on topic, right?  ya.  that's what i thought.

who knew life wouldn't change all that much after marriage?  okay, that's not really true, but i'm currently sitting in my parents' basement doing laundry and using mom's laptop and wireless connection.  suddenlink's a bitch and keeps telling us they'll be there at a certain time, ya know, like between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm, and then showing up at 5:45 pm after we've given up and went to the movies or to get something to eat or something.  that's why we don't have internet unless our neighbor hooks up their wireless router (very odd times in the day).  but you have to have something in your life to keep you humble.  whether it's a patient calling you a motherfucker and shooting death threats your way or doing your and your husband's laundry at your parents' house.  both work.

the fact that i'm on mom's computer also explains why i'm not using any caps.  her shift keys only work when they wanna, so you're lucky to get punctuation requiring the use of a shift.

i think my dog has abandonment issues.  i mean, who wouldn't after being taken care of, i'm hoping, for a year or so and then dumped at the animal shelter for a week all alone and stuff?  it's probably fucked up that i care about animals more than a lot of people i know, but they're innocent creatures.  how many adults do you know who can be titled "innocent?"  uh oh, i'm letting my jaded show.

so, i think 911 operators have a fucking hard as hell job.  like on those true crime shows where the operator deciphers some person's screams or cries?  yeah, i'd be the worst at that.  i have a hard time hearing people anyway, so garbled, frantic soon-to-be stabbed or shot souls yelling at me would not work out.  well, not for them.  i'd have to say, "what?  i can't hear you very well...speak up some, please."  and they'd be whispering that someone was in the house trying to get them, or screaming that someone had just kidnapped their son, and i'd still be trying to hear their address.  then i'd get, "thanks for that, ya dirtbag.  i'm dead now because you couldn't understand me."

is sarcasm still a defense mechanism if you use it daily for several different occasions?  i should learn which people probably wouldn't get it (the mil [mother-in-law]) or wouldn't appreciate it (cops), but i never do.  maybe i do know deep down but like to cause shit anyway.  it's the only way i get to be defiant anymore.  ha.

so, jason's in a whole lot of pain because he needs a root canal, or now the tooth just needs pulled, and his appointment isn't until friday.  i guess it broke all the way through or something?  i don't know a lot about teeth.  they're bitey and should be white or at least whitish.  but that is why we didn't get to see new found glory on sunday night and that's why i'm not seeing fake problems and set your goals and four year strong and alkaline trio at warped tour in cincy right now.  i'm also missing out on korean food tonight and jasmine tea in hyde park tomorrow morning.  it's why i'm not exhausted and sweaty and sunburned.  i'm really not that selfish, guys.  he's really hurting, and if i could take it for him, i would.  i'm pretty sure that's how marriage should be.  unless you just married someone to keep them from being deported.  that's good, too.  i typed 'departed' first, and thought, i would never want to be married to jack nicholson.  WONDERFUL ACTOR, but i would look at him and forever see his face coming through the door in the shining.  one of my favorite movies because it's creepy as fuck, but still.  it's creepy as fuck, and most of that is his fault.


there was probably something else more important i wanted to talk about today.  i'm not really sure what that is, though.  i watched kiss kiss bang bang today.  satirical and real.  few movies can pull that off, but that one did.  plus it has robert downey jr. and michelle monaghan and shannon sossamon and sarcasm and weirdly haute couture people dancing in glass boxes in it.  so it's pretty much my ideal movie.

i have yet to see inception.  jason's in pain.  i want to take him when he's all high on painkillers and see what happens.  i think there will be some ensuing of hilarity.

i need more uniform pants.  and a washer/dryer.  nothing fancy, but toting my laundry all over the place is getting kind of redonkulous.

late, people.  mom needs to do stuffs on the interwebz.  and, i've come full circle.


p.s. i wrote a whole entire post without mentioning sex.  until now.  in the p.s. section.  maybe i AM growing up.  hm.
Tags: ,

Jul. 12th, 2010


Alicia Fox

She is hot.  Yup.

I hate when you're driving and listening to music, and the musician put sirens in the song, so you think you've been caught.  In my case, caught speeding excessively while texting and finding music on my iPod.

I also hate when you accrue a lot of ones and decide to pay with them and the clerk/cashier asks you if you're a waitress...and you're not.  I used to say, "I'm wearing pasties under my shirt."  Now, I refrain from that response.  Most of the time.

Other than the kinky and adventurous sex, there's nothing of importance to report.  I can't help but want to have sex all the time now.  Really, I can't help it.  We have a sweet apartment, furniture, and a bed.  And a toy box.  I'm sorry to those who don't want to know this much about me, but...!!!!!  Married life is frickin' sweet thus far.

And work is pretty enjoyable as well.  Who knew I could be such an adult?  I didn't.  I was actually scared shitless.  But, it's getting easier.  This Friday, Saturday, and Sunday make up my first run of midnights, so we'll see how it goes.

I'll keep the rest of my sexcapades to myself for now.  ;)


Jul. 2nd, 2010

Cabaret 2

There are lots of things I could blog about today.

I'm not sure if I will or not.  I could talk about how I got married, or how the honeymoon was the best week I'd ever had up to that moment, or how life kicked us in the ass when we got back to reality.  Y'know.  Not a bad kick in the ass.  A necessary and "THIS IS GROWN-UP LIFE" (or as grown-up as we'll get) kick in the ass.  So, like, as good one?  I'm tired.  Day shift has me up early.  I live an hour away from where I work now, as does Jason, and day shift starts at 7.  Ya.

Which brings me to the point of possibly talking about how I work full-time now at a hospital.  Soon, I will be working full-time midnight shift in CT and x-ray.  Yup.  I'm like an adult now or something.  With a sweet apartment.  Yup.

But, I'm not really gonna talk about that stuff.  That up there is all I really want to say about it.  It's good, it's great, it's wonderful.  Things are coming together.  I'm about to buy Sigur Ros' Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust on vinyl from my Mosh Pit friend, Katie.  Unopened.  I can now put out my record player and all my records and enjoy them every day.  All of my original Gaslight pressings.  My Beethoven.  I can't wait.

I've found that I can be quite domestic, too.  And we can play and fuck and make love and walk around naked (that's really just me) and just generally enjoy life.  I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, yeah?  Like, you're finally really happy, with everything you wanted, so we're (being fate/life/whatever) going to just fuck things up a little.  That's okay, though.  Without unhappiness and hard times, the good and great and magnificent just aren't as enjoyable.  I know that's totally fucking cliche, but it's true.

And now I must finish my Four Year Strong download and go to bed.  Jason's calling.  ;)


P.S. Warped in Cincy on July 28th right after a night shift that ends at 7:00 A.M.  Fucking punk rock, bitches.  That's what that is.

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